A Crazy Story: It All Started With a Hallucination
Have you ever had anyone think that you were truly crazy? I have. And these days, it's something I experience on a regular basis.
To be fair, I can't blame these assumptions. The people in my life have good reason not to believe some things that I claim to see. I hardly believe myself most of the time.
My world turned upside down
It all started with a hallucination that lasted 4 whole days.
I owe one of the worst moments of my life to this hallucination. It turned my life upside down and forced me to give up everything I had worked for – my house, my car, my job, my country...my entire life.
At the time, I clung to the mistaken hope that at least the worst was over. But what I failed to realize was that the worst was yet to come.
That particular hallucination consisted of me believing that my entire house was infested with black bugs. I could actually see them everywhere. I could see them on my bed, on my clothes, in my books, and even in my car. It was terrifying and extremely traumatizing.
I couldn't stop scratching myself for over 3 months, continuing to feel things crawling all over me despite the fact that I had moved to a whole different continent.
Still haunted years later
Since then, 2 years have passed, and still, that hallucination haunts me at all times. It has taken away my ability to trust myself. To trust what my eyes are seeing or what my skin is feeling. But the part that sometimes hurts the most is that it has made those closest to me doubt everything I say.
It's incredibly frustrating when you have to prove everything you "allegedly" see or feel to everyone, and yet they still look at you with those pitying, apprehensive eyes.
Hallucinations and my credibility
To make matters worse, I have had other episodes with different hallucinations that haven't helped my credibility. I went through a period of time when I would feel the earth shake and I could see objects wavering before me.
The first few times this happened, I would ring up my friends and ask them if they could feel the earthquake too? This earned me some laughs and, in some cases, concerned responses. No matter what I say now, doubt is their immediate instinctual reaction.
Like I said, I can hardly blame them. But it's now an extremely lonely world I live in.
Keeping my 'hallucination' to myself
A few weeks ago, I had another horrible experience, but it was very much real this time.
However, initially, I didn't know whether I was simply hallucinating or not. And I refused to face the embarrassment of being wrong again and having to feel the looks I now know so well as I tried desperately to send pictures and show them I was right – anything to make them believe me.
This time, I decided to take a different approach. I kept my "hallucinations" to myself.
Suffering in silence
I moved into a new house and lived the most uncomfortable life in silence. I don't know how to begin to describe what it is to constantly feel itchy, constantly feel something crawling on your skin – to not be able to sleep in your bed or pick out your clothes because everything you touch feels tainted. And there is no one you can talk to.
For about a month, I continued this way until I stopped taking my medication one day; I know that it's to blame for these occurrences.
But it continued happening.
In order to prove to myself that I was not going crazy, I finally gave in and hired an exterminator because. By this time, I was highly desperate. I needed professional validation that there truly was something in my house so that I could finally prove to myself and everyone else that I was not crazy. To my relief (and horror), it wasn't all in my head.
My new house was suffering from a bedbug infestation. I can't describe to you the incredibly contradictory feelings that I felt now that I was finally vindicated.
As big of a relief as it was at the time, I continue to feel a sense of deep sadness as I know that next time, I may not be right. And the even sadder part is, I know that there will always be a "next time."
Do any of your family and/or friends also have narcolepsy?