Stimulants: A Bittersweet Taste of Momentary Freedom

I still remember my very first experience with stimulants. It was an experience that I can't forget even if I tried.

For those who have never taken stimulants before, I can only describe it as what a shot of adrenaline must feel like. That's how it was for me, anyways. It felt as though I was feeling the effects of energy for the very first time.

Well, I probably was.

Stimulants offer a small taste of freedom

I don't think anyone with narcolepsy ever truly understands the full impact of this condition until you no longer feel its effects, no matter how brief this feeling may be.

See, that's the problem I have with stimulants (and I say this as someone who is still dependent on them): they give you a small taste of freedom.

The first time I took them, I finally felt free. I felt free of the constraints of exhaustion and free of the exhaustion of fatigue.

I began to feel as though I was robbed

Up until that moment, I hadn't realised just how different my life was in comparison to everyone else's. Although I technically knew that I was different, and my uncontrollable sleep was unusual, I'd never stopped to actually question my reality. I'd especially never stopped to question how different it must be from everyone else's.

I think it was after that day that I began to feel as though I had been robbed my entire life. This is why I now see stimulants as a bittersweet taste of momentary freedom.

A false sense of normalcy

From that day on, as cheesy as it may sound, I feel it ignited in me a strange sort of awakening. The full realisation sunk into me that I was not normal and I would never live a normal life like everyone else.

Stimulants are sometimes a mere platitude. They can provide a false sense of normalcy for short-lived moments and then take it away. It's like giving a blind man the ability to see for a few hours, only to have his world plunged into darkness time and time again.

If I could go back to the past

Many people in my life have asked me the same question countless times: "Since I lived 28 years of my life undiagnosed and without being medicated, why couldn’t I do it now?”

I never understand. I always think to myself, "If you were extremely sick and your illness had no cure, but you managed to find something that helped you to feel almost normal for short periods, wouldn’t you take it?"

As I said before, I still take stimulants to this day, and honestly, I don’t know if I can live without them now. However, if I were given the chance to go back to the past, knowing what I know now... I think I would choose to continue to live in my ignorant bliss. I am quite certain that I would not have chosen to live a life with only a bittersweet taste of momentary freedom.