Feeling Like a Fraud
Anyone else feel this way sometimes? Like you don't have an actual medical problem, you're actually just lazy and undisciplined?
I've been on max-dose stimulants for so long that my circadian rhythm is fried. I stay up super late most nights then sleep in forever. For a while I literally couldn't fall asleep for the night without taking a sleep medication. It feels like my body is gaslighting me--like, we literally have narcolepsy dude, falling asleep should NOT be a problem!!
And I know that's how it seems to my loved ones sometimes. I mean, what are they supposed to think when I can't wake up in the morning for something that's important to them because I went to bed at 4 a.m. the night before, and do the same thing later that day? It makes me feel like a bad person.
Anyone else relate?
At work I present as someone who’s got it all together, but at home I present as a complete wreck. I have no idea how to balance the two. I save all of my wakefulness for my job, because 1. I love my job, and 2. I’m the family breadwinner. But this means that when I’m home, I’m a total slug. My house is an embarrassing mess, I rarely cook, and I don’t get out and socialize, because I’m too exhausted and depressed for any of it.
It makes me feel like a fraud.
We hear you,
, but the reality is that you are not a fraud. You have simply used up all your energy reserves for work. Do others in the family understand and pitch in? If they are already maxed out, can you afford to hire someone to clean even just once a month, maybe at least for the bathrooms? Can you find a way to make peace with the lack of homecooked meals, maybe by at least choosing ready-made or take-out options that are relatively healthy? Maybe if some of that after-work stressed is relieved, your mental health will improve as well. You wouldn't expect someone with any other chronic illness to do it all and I don't think you would see them as frauds if they had to choose either work or household management because they couldn't do both. Give yourself that same grace. You deserve it. Sending lots of gentle hugs your way. - Lori (Team Member)
They think I’m lazy because I take naps but really I’m just tired of fighting and trying to type the same paragraph for hours. And like it’s affects my brain and ability even when I’m not asleep and I don’t know how to explain that to people. Some days I’m a genius and others I’m just like slow and confused. I hate when people ask me if I’m high or say I’m making excuses when I mention I have a disability. I feel like family is the worst because they think they know you but don’t see you struggle when you have to work or go to school.
Hi
. I wish you had more support. Feel free to share some of our articles if you ever think that might help. Please know we are here for you whenever you need us. You have a whole community of people who get it here. Warmly, Lori (Team Member)
I have definitely felt this way. And even when I feel like I have the time and should have the energy to do things like chores, I somehow end up either not having the energy or losing the energy before I manage to even get close to tackling a chore. Things like self care and going to my doctor's appointments are nice in theory, but feel like they're getting more and more difficult to do. And sometimes when I cancel plans with others, I wonder to myself if it's because of my narcolepsy or if it's because I just don't feel like doing it. I also can't help but wonder how much of it is the narcolepsy and how much of it is depression. But I feel like I wouldn't think it's depression as much if that wasn't the first thing everyone else (especially doctors) thinks they see.
It must be really hard to sort out since so many of the symptoms overlap, but, if you think about it, it probably all comes down to narcolepsy even if you are depressed or you just don't feel like doing something. If you had more energy or could count on your body to behave, you would likely want to be more socially active and feel less depressed. I wish more doctors would understand that for so many people, better narcolepsy treatment would go a long way toward alleviating symptoms of depression. Best wishes. - Lori (Team Member)
I am right there with you, right now I am in a lawsuit with my old employer because I accrued too many points because of my sleep issues, I get that feeling that they don't even believe it is a medical issue.
Hi
. I am glad you are advocating for yourself and seeking compensation. Nothing will change unless people take action. I hope the lawsuit doesn't drag on for too long and that you get the settlement you need and deserve. Best wishes. - Lori (Team Member)
