How would you describe your relationship with sleep?

Troubled. A constant battle, trying to deal with it and lead a ‘normal’ life

Sleep is something that I only give in to when I realize it's absolutely critical to my survival. If it weren't for Adderall, I would sleep my life away. I'm 20 years old, and it was only just recently that a doctor finally saw the endless red flags. Last year, I knew there was something wrong with my brain. I could simply not stay conscious. I would sit on the floor and slowly attempt to fold clothes. I had to fight the fatigue and craving to give up and sleep. I wanted to fold laundry, I wanted to live life, but I always ended up giving in and collapsing into a deep sleep. This was my life from my senior year of Highschool until last year in July. Three years of sleeping, and I don't remember anything until I snapped and convinced a psychiatrist that I have ADHD. It took a couple months, but I knew I needed a stimulant. When I took it, I felt like I was joining the world. I was awake.


Since starting Adderall, I often fail to sleep at all. Thankfully I was prescribed seroquel for "Bipolar Disorder" when I was 15, because it is impossible to even reach unconsciousness without it. If I attempt to sleep without seroquel, I become stuck in the surface of REM, cycling through the same image or audible thought for hours and hours, only to "wake up" and realize 20 minutes have passed. Sometimes, I would become stuck in this hell for "months", but finally break myself out of it in the morning feeling like I was suffering from what I can only assume severe Heroin withdrawal feels like. Seroquel "bypasses" this stage, but it doesn't stop me from waking up every half hour, lucid-dreaming, waking up to sleep paralysis with the sound of a hurricane in my ears, or inability to sleep because I keep hallucinating people talking, someone knocking on my door, or the faint ringing of a rotary phone.


I'd prefer this to actually sleeping, however. I was recently diagnosed with "fibromyalgia", but the severe pain and inability to move my arms, elbows, ankles, or knees (misc. combinations) only happen when I actually sleep. I wake up extremely fatigued and in severe pain that causes immobility. I often spend a few hours "existing" as moving at all hurts like hell and feels so taxing. If I push myself hard enough, I take my Adderall. It wakes my brain, but it only helps the pain to an extent (until the pain dissappears in the evening, as always). However, the Adderall only gives enough kick for me to push myself through the day. I often stall taking my Adderall because while I know it's my only shot at joining reality, I find myself completely overstimulated and unable to control (recent and out-of-character) bursts of anger. Every loud noise causes my entire body to twitch and my hands shake as though I have Parkinson's. If I drink caffeine to power through my fatigue because I want to complete laundry, I will often have seizure-like convulsions while taking the clothes out of the dryer. This is when I "give up" (I've recently learned to say "give in"😉, and retreat to a dark and quiet area. Before I learned to stop pushing myself, I often sipped on vodka to hide my tremors, twitches, and outbursts from my coworkers. I am no longer able to work without pushing myself to my absolute limits (even if I'm attempting the most mundane thing), and I am currently attempting to enforce sleep hygiene. It's very challenging, and I have been to countless doctors that don't understand and insist it must be anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder.


Sleep, to me, is necessary to survival. Since I've been prescribed my life-saving Adderall, I am punished everytime I attempt to sleep. I don't know how much longer I can fight with what I'm working with when doctors are so incompetent and brush past the idea that the patient has a better idea of what's going on than they do.